A clown by any other name...

Dear Circus Freak,

"Many and most of the images and media that FOX and News corp creates are destructive to our society, many images provoke and glorify Violence and unhealthy sexual relations. This is eating away at the cohesion of our families, or society, and our way of life."

I have problems with this statement. This could be a quote taken from some Fox news talking head in reference to the so-called "liberal" media. It is also a statement that is incredibly dangerous because your words mirror the words used by Right Wing moralist thugs that want to limit freedom of speech. Freedom of speech is a tenet and expression of a healthy democracy. That means Bill O' Reilly and Jerry Lewis are equals. What matters isn't what they say but the weight we give their words.

The dissolution of the family began long before we had TVs in our homes and computers on our laps. In fact,information and access to information is essential to us being good citizens. For all the whining you hear about the Media, what you are hearing are moans in disgust about the "mainstream" media. Well, there are other outlets for people to get information. In fact, the internet has INCREASED the availability of information to the people. Did you know the internet is used by rescue organizations and human rights groups?The Internet allows previously muted people a voice. It just requires an educated user and so begins the slippery slope.

I am not going to bore you with a discourse on the dumbing down of America. Hell, living in Berkley, I am sure you are constantly bombarded with all kinds of rhetoric. Sure, it would be wonderful if mainstream media outlets gave joe average instant access to truth. But the truth is that we as a people have become lazy and complacent. The draining of funding for public schools has taken the fundamental out of fundamental education. Schools should be a place where thinking is encouraged and the seeds which lead to self cultivation are born.

If you are going to make a statement by deleting myspace-do it. You are free to do so. That doesn't somehow make your hands clean or really prove anything. Friendster and Facebook have all been bought out and are linked to big corporate entities.

While you are at it. Give up your dreams about making film. Even indie companies are linked to larger media houses.

Actually, while we are on the subject, why don't you start making your own clothes and farming your own food.

Come on, babe. I get that even small acts of activism are important. I just found the your email factually inaccurate and irrational.

"People's current diet of sex and violence are at such high levels that they cannot think clearly or make as rational decisions."

This statement is inflammatory and flawed.

You hate TV. I get it,but you are viewing TV as the cause of all the worlds' problems, and not a symptom.You could just as easily argue that women entering the workplace has aided in the destruction of society. You could say that work has shaved down the mothers role as caregiver and stabilizing unit in the home and, in turn, creating a vacuum where TV becomes a surrogate. That would be more supported by facts than what you said.

I don't want you to take this as an assault on you personally. I am more concerned with you, as an educated knowledge seeker, to do just that.

Read.Check your facts. Do you know the history of the "Wall Street Journal"? It was founded by Conservatives Google Bernard Kilgore. Rupert Murdoch isn't going to cause any shake-ups with his buy-out. It has always been a paper of the rich for the rich.

Okay. This was some fun banter. I hope you are well and thinking as freely as you speak(: I look forward to your response.

I was quite surprised by some of your statements. If the clown thing doesn't work out, you could always get a job at Fox news. You got the rhetoric down pat.

-MG

Am I racist or just white?

I think the first time I ever recognized race on any level was when I was about seven. I was in ballet/tap with an Indian Girl. She looked and spoke differently-and her mom didn't dress like my mom.

There was no value judgement involved, if anything there was curiosity.

That was pretty much it until junior high. Well, not entirely. There was this girl who would make fun of me by calling me "nigger lips" because I have a full pucker-but she was such trash, not much of what she said registered.

In Junior High, I was introduced to racial tension. My school 40% white, 40% Latino and a smattering of various Asian populations and a couple of black kids. And it was the first time I felt that my race affected my ability to move in certain social situations.

Cholas hated me and used a special form of psychological warfare that kept me in fear until I went to college. Even now, the word "Gringa" makes me want to put on big rings and get ready to buck.

Then I moved to San Francisco, and I developed a strong distaste for the L-Taraval ladies. I lived in a predominately Asian neighborhood and after crossing 19th avenue, I would be one of the token Caucasians on the train. There was some cultural stuff happening that I just wasn't able to understand. These older Asian women would have pungent pink plastic bags filled with vegetables and fish guts. They would push past me or if i didn't give up my seat, they would set their groceries on my lap. Twittering in Cantonese and often launching their sputum without care. I tried to keep my mind open, tried to talk myself into being non-judgemental but it didn't work. I hated them. I hated their groceries. I hated being an unwelcome guest in their world.

Modesto, 15 years ago, didn't really have a large black population.
So, I had limited contact with Black folk until I moved to Memphis. It was strange. The South just set me back. At first, I blamed whitey for the problems with race relations in the South. I am a middle-class liberal. We are hard wired to blame whitey for everything. After about a year, I realized it wasn't so simple. Both whites and blacks had internalized anger and poverty bred ignorance. It takes two to tango and in Memphis, both sides seem to continue the hate.

And there are Black men.

I have issues with Black men. When it comes to friendship, I am completely comfortable. But dating? If part of why you wanna date me, is my race-that isn't any different than not dating me because of my color.

Sociologically/historically, the appeal of the white girl has to do with subverting power from the Slave master. Black men have been hyper-sexualized in history. During slavery they were seen as savage, sexual animals.It was a way of de-humanizing them,to rank their behavior as carnal and primordial like beasts-so that whitey could in good conscience use them as beasts of burden.The stereotype of the "Black Buck" arose from the fear and racism of that time. So it has been handed down for generations, white men feeling emasculated in the presence of their black counterparts and that fear being propagated by a particular demographic of black men who view white girls as white diamonds. It is crazy, it is like hip-hop embraces the negative stereotype. All the songs about women being hoes, about "fucking a bitch, then fucking her friend" etc. The black man is still the uber-potent sex machine that can't be stopped. From the plantation to the hood-it blows my mind.

I have been thinking about all the stuff alot. There is a guy at work who seems like a perfectly laid back decent guy-and he wants to go catch a movie or something sometime-and I can't take him completely at face value because he is black. Which is crazy! He is talking about having a drink and I am struggling to separate that drink from some linear, ethno-sociological experience.

how about that for a random rant?

and fuck you some more-with feeling

The emails from last night weren't exactly well
thought out or kind and I apologize. I went out and
had drinks with the girls to curse men and the gods
and whoever else would listen. that said-

I just don't get it.

I don't think I ever will.

I am not playing games with you.I just don't
understand what your problem with me is. I feel close
and connected to you and somehow that is a bad
thing.Reaching out is "coming at you aggressively".

I think we had sex because there are still feelings
and not just mine. I think you still care for me and
are uncomfortable with that for whatever reason. I
think of you came to Vegas it would happen again. I
look back on  the times we have seen each other since
we split and it has always been in broad daylight, in
public. Last summer I wanted you to come over to
Christie's for dinner and you declined in favor of
coffee in public. I think you are scared of me Mr.
Murphy,or scared of how I make you feel.

When we saw each other in Indianapolis we practically
finished each others sentences but you found the
exchange awkward. I thought it was comfortable and
exciting.I thought we really clicked.In fact it was
when I got back from Indianapolis that I told my
friends about you for the first time-loving you,
losing you-the whole saga. I said that I thought you
were still scared of me after all this time and that
was a signal of something deeper- in a really twisted
way. Oh, and before I left for Vegas I knew that we
would end up in bed.Some things feel over and some
things are just forced to end.I think we never really
ended, it just wasn't the time for us.

When we both were in Vegas and out with Lynn...it
seemed perfect.Everything was in place...there was us
being us and vibing off each other.
It felt totally natural.When we talk it feels
good.Why is that bad? Why won't you open up?

I love you. so what?

Fuck You Mr. M

Milan Kundera .

It is hot here. really hot. and since vegas for us working stiffs is boring-all people talk about is the heat-and maybe the latest casino implosion or the de-egyptiazation of the Luxor.

and I am losing my mind.

and since I am losing my mind I have taken to do what I do most when I am losing my mind. read milan kundera. oh and usually losing my mind also leads to me a taking an odd-fitting lover-but I am not that motivated these days. Like I said to S last night in a rumple induced moment of clarity-I see things, I rub against them, then I leave town.

6 years ago I went through a sad break-up. It was both a break up with my love and my entire life. I left san francisco-went to europe, had a very hot but very ill fitting love affair and read milan kundera with a zeal that could only be brought on by that kind of loss.

now back in a similar situation I am reading " The Book of Laughter and Forgetting" by my old friend Milan. There is a bit where one of the characters talks about taking men for sex and friendship, but never for love because of its selfishness and hysteria...I think that is so interesting.

we think of love as this selfless, priceless, eternal thing. yet, once you love someone-you feel a sort of ownership of them...you want to protect them and draw them closer...that could be stifling to the other person. Another person's life isn't yours and preventing them from expressing even negative behavior is a prison of sorts.

I am kinda dealing with those themes right now. I recently broke up with my life in Memphis. I am here in Vegas and I am pretty unhappy. I am going through some stuff with the ex from six years ago-because coming to vegas has brought him back into my life in a very intimate way. I confessed to him my feelings and what was on my mind and he saw it all as some tool of manipulation. or weapon against him. which is so far from my intentions...I have been going crazy, my stomach in knots, having trouble sleeping....I have been drinking too much and crying even more...but somehow those feelings that I have been killing myself trying to bury are some kind of assault on him.

and the worst part is that I think his reaction comes from fear. I scare him. He goes out of his way to control himself with me and about me.

Fuck that.

I would rather feel and experience the pain of something or someone then lock everything up in a safe place. I would rather suffer and scream my love off of roof tops, then guard my passions.

so life kinda sucks right now-but atleast I can fucking own up to my actions and feelings and not shrink back and accuse others for making me feel "imbalanced".

got that fuckhole. (even though he isn't able to read this)

Republicans should be sacrificed to lions like the Christians of old

Since 9/11, in a move that I find absolutely ironic all considering, The Right has been gutting the already limited funds to planned parenthood, making contraception more expensive and less available while pumping more money into abstinence education.This is coming from a group of men who don't even know the meaning of monogamy, no less abstinence.

While making sure the health insurance few of have will no longer pay for our birth control pills, our right to reproductive freedom is being assaulted and legislation has been popping up making sex toys contraband.That puts us right on par with, oh...I don't know...The Taleban. Good work, GOP!

Now there is a bill up before congress to fund contraception abroad. Though I have no problem with the bill at its face and the reasoning that there will be less reason for abortion if people have access to birth control sounds okay to me. My issue is why would we fund these programs abroad while not affording American women with same opportunity?

It is pretty simple. We don't care about what good could come from women being educated about sex and contraception. It is about control. It is about cultural imperialism. It is about limiting the growth of unsavory populations. If was about the people there would be a more cohesive plan of attack in Africa, where HIV/AIDS is through the roof and drug companies refuse to allow drug cocktails to be released in a generic form. It is more profitable to keep the drugs scarce while letting people die. I mean, who cares about poor people? And poor black people-invisible. They were born statistics.

Bush has been quoted in saying that limiting abortion protects women and children? Does it? Does limiting sexual education and freedom protect women, especially women with a lower social economic status?

The only way to make an informed decision is access to information. Since 9/11 access to information has been truncated to the point of non-existance. We have no idea what is going on. The last thing I saw on CNN was a bit talking about most journalists are liberal/ give money to liberal causes.

I also found it interesting that we are pumping money to fund democratic intiatives in Cuba, where, regardless of how you feel about communism or Castro, they have a more comprehensive health care program and Cuban literacy rates shame our own.

When was the last time we intervened abroad and actually provided aid-actually HELPED people?

Any thoughts?

I was tagged

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. Have fun.

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1. I love to experiment-drugs,gender, sexuality, identity- you name it. In fact, I see life as my own little sociological experiment where I am the (out of) control subject. Some of the experiments have been successful, the less successful ones make great stories.

2. I am a ridiculous vagabond drunk. Over the top silly. I have passed out in an airport in San Francisco, I have passed out while attempting to fellate a friend in an Amsterdamn hotel room.I passed out on a train in Spain and woke up in France. I made out with an indie rock drummer on a street corner in Oakland. I insulted that band "Live" in Memphis. I almost got arrested in Germany on an expired passport with 4 calabrians and a good bit of hash...I could go on for hours.

3. If you put the men I have dated in a line up, you couldn't connect the dots and find any commonality except for me. They have all been very different.A would be priest, a commie, a calabrian farm boy, a drug addled much older man, an aspiring clown...I see fire. I go to the flames. There is no rhyme or reason. I really don't have a type.

4. The White Stripes make my nipples hard. I hear that guitar and I am done.

5. I am a hermit. I really don't associate with anyone on my days off. Working in restaurants forces me to deal with people, lots of people, horrible horrible people everyday. I hear them calling for bread and refills in my sleep. It is hard to get me out of the house when I am not working.

6. When I am not working I am listening to music, watching law and order, and internet stalking. I read blogs and spend hours on myspace. It is pretty sick. It is like having contact with people without having to actual be with them.

7. I masturbate to internet porn.

8.Except for my almost manical love for foot wear, I am not materialistic at all. I left Memphis with what would fit in my pack-and haven't looked back. Any money I have had in the past has been spent on music, wine dinners, travel etc. I kinda want stuff, but I like the freedom not having stuff affords me.

9. I have never had a driver's license. I am scared to death of driving.

10. What I love about living in Italy, besides the cheese, is that Italians are total dorks. You will see some guy who looks like an extra from "Sid and Nancy" rocking out to some lame pop hit. People are more comfortable with themselves overall. They aren't afraid to be completely nerdy.

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I tag:

Tom Foehner- because he was the first man to ever tag me (:

Bonnie Hilton-because she will have fun with this.

Liz Jones- because maybe she will finally clear up her cupcake fascination for me

Nerdia Yadorksky-the name says it all.

Tidy-because he likes to talk about himself

Red-because she is Italian

Spanky-because it would be a good excercise for him

Jennibean-because I think she has something to say

Amanda-because I want her to be able to reference it after she moves to Santa Cruz and takes a wife.

Montana-because she is crazy

I will never date again...I think

I used to think that being single was fun because I liked meeting new people. I liked the excitement of all of the firsts that come along with a new relationship. I'm just not feeling that way these days. It isn't as if I mind being on my own-in fact I don't think I mind enough...Just the idea of encountering a stranger and having to map them out psychologically and emotionally seems less exciting and more like work.

I am almost 30. I am a spinster by every definition. For any Italians reading this (io sono una zitella). I am more set in my ways and yet, still totally unimpressed with monogamy.

Oh, and I am strange. I have trouble behaving, I cook brunch for dinner, I am generally pretty gassy, if I drink end up using uncomfortable drunk words like "social economic status"and I am terrified of cars to the point that I still don't drive.

Any human that gets involved with me must:

be passionate about something. there has to be something that gets you out of bed.

be flawed and comfortable with those flaws.

needs to let me run when I need to run but still tell be able to tell me no.

not want to change me or view me as a wild horse that needs to be broken.

Must understand that my work is central to who I am and that work will come first sometimes. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, it just means I need to go.

you have to laugh. daily. If we can't laugh together-I don't care if you can make my toes curl. Though admittedly,I may call you from time to time to make my toes curl-I just won't date you per se.

Know that we won't be happy if we don't have a life away from each other. I am going to Italy and you may or may not be invited.

I am still friends with my exes. They are no threat to you. I have mostly guy friends. They are no threat to you... now that Brian is married. (:

Music. Gotta love it. The music thing is non-negotiable. Your taste must be eclectic...I fell in love with a guy because even though he generally listened to jam bands, we were out one night and a song by the Cramps came on the jukebox-he knew every word. That's really all it took.

You need to be able to relax in bed. Let loose and really surrender yourself.

You need to feel free. Whatever that means to you.

I picture old age as a porch, a garden, a couple of dogs and laughter. I want happy, well adjusted children and I want to give them the most precious gift my parents gave me: my independence.

You need to be able to seize the moment, to take silly and unnecessary risks...be spontaneous...

and most importantly...you need to know when to leave.

Any questions?