Fuck You Mr. M

Milan Kundera .

It is hot here. really hot. and since vegas for us working stiffs is boring-all people talk about is the heat-and maybe the latest casino implosion or the de-egyptiazation of the Luxor.

and I am losing my mind.

and since I am losing my mind I have taken to do what I do most when I am losing my mind. read milan kundera. oh and usually losing my mind also leads to me a taking an odd-fitting lover-but I am not that motivated these days. Like I said to S last night in a rumple induced moment of clarity-I see things, I rub against them, then I leave town.

6 years ago I went through a sad break-up. It was both a break up with my love and my entire life. I left san francisco-went to europe, had a very hot but very ill fitting love affair and read milan kundera with a zeal that could only be brought on by that kind of loss.

now back in a similar situation I am reading " The Book of Laughter and Forgetting" by my old friend Milan. There is a bit where one of the characters talks about taking men for sex and friendship, but never for love because of its selfishness and hysteria...I think that is so interesting.

we think of love as this selfless, priceless, eternal thing. yet, once you love someone-you feel a sort of ownership of them...you want to protect them and draw them closer...that could be stifling to the other person. Another person's life isn't yours and preventing them from expressing even negative behavior is a prison of sorts.

I am kinda dealing with those themes right now. I recently broke up with my life in Memphis. I am here in Vegas and I am pretty unhappy. I am going through some stuff with the ex from six years ago-because coming to vegas has brought him back into my life in a very intimate way. I confessed to him my feelings and what was on my mind and he saw it all as some tool of manipulation. or weapon against him. which is so far from my intentions...I have been going crazy, my stomach in knots, having trouble sleeping....I have been drinking too much and crying even more...but somehow those feelings that I have been killing myself trying to bury are some kind of assault on him.

and the worst part is that I think his reaction comes from fear. I scare him. He goes out of his way to control himself with me and about me.

Fuck that.

I would rather feel and experience the pain of something or someone then lock everything up in a safe place. I would rather suffer and scream my love off of roof tops, then guard my passions.

so life kinda sucks right now-but atleast I can fucking own up to my actions and feelings and not shrink back and accuse others for making me feel "imbalanced".

got that fuckhole. (even though he isn't able to read this)