and fuck you some more-with feeling

The emails from last night weren't exactly well
thought out or kind and I apologize. I went out and
had drinks with the girls to curse men and the gods
and whoever else would listen. that said-

I just don't get it.

I don't think I ever will.

I am not playing games with you.I just don't
understand what your problem with me is. I feel close
and connected to you and somehow that is a bad
thing.Reaching out is "coming at you aggressively".

I think we had sex because there are still feelings
and not just mine. I think you still care for me and
are uncomfortable with that for whatever reason. I
think of you came to Vegas it would happen again. I
look back on  the times we have seen each other since
we split and it has always been in broad daylight, in
public. Last summer I wanted you to come over to
Christie's for dinner and you declined in favor of
coffee in public. I think you are scared of me Mr.
Murphy,or scared of how I make you feel.

When we saw each other in Indianapolis we practically
finished each others sentences but you found the
exchange awkward. I thought it was comfortable and
exciting.I thought we really clicked.In fact it was
when I got back from Indianapolis that I told my
friends about you for the first time-loving you,
losing you-the whole saga. I said that I thought you
were still scared of me after all this time and that
was a signal of something deeper- in a really twisted
way. Oh, and before I left for Vegas I knew that we
would end up in bed.Some things feel over and some
things are just forced to end.I think we never really
ended, it just wasn't the time for us.

When we both were in Vegas and out with Lynn...it
seemed perfect.Everything was in place...there was us
being us and vibing off each other.
It felt totally natural.When we talk it feels
good.Why is that bad? Why won't you open up?

I love you. so what?