Am I racist or just white?

I think the first time I ever recognized race on any level was when I was about seven. I was in ballet/tap with an Indian Girl. She looked and spoke differently-and her mom didn't dress like my mom.

There was no value judgement involved, if anything there was curiosity.

That was pretty much it until junior high. Well, not entirely. There was this girl who would make fun of me by calling me "nigger lips" because I have a full pucker-but she was such trash, not much of what she said registered.

In Junior High, I was introduced to racial tension. My school 40% white, 40% Latino and a smattering of various Asian populations and a couple of black kids. And it was the first time I felt that my race affected my ability to move in certain social situations.

Cholas hated me and used a special form of psychological warfare that kept me in fear until I went to college. Even now, the word "Gringa" makes me want to put on big rings and get ready to buck.

Then I moved to San Francisco, and I developed a strong distaste for the L-Taraval ladies. I lived in a predominately Asian neighborhood and after crossing 19th avenue, I would be one of the token Caucasians on the train. There was some cultural stuff happening that I just wasn't able to understand. These older Asian women would have pungent pink plastic bags filled with vegetables and fish guts. They would push past me or if i didn't give up my seat, they would set their groceries on my lap. Twittering in Cantonese and often launching their sputum without care. I tried to keep my mind open, tried to talk myself into being non-judgemental but it didn't work. I hated them. I hated their groceries. I hated being an unwelcome guest in their world.

Modesto, 15 years ago, didn't really have a large black population.
So, I had limited contact with Black folk until I moved to Memphis. It was strange. The South just set me back. At first, I blamed whitey for the problems with race relations in the South. I am a middle-class liberal. We are hard wired to blame whitey for everything. After about a year, I realized it wasn't so simple. Both whites and blacks had internalized anger and poverty bred ignorance. It takes two to tango and in Memphis, both sides seem to continue the hate.

And there are Black men.

I have issues with Black men. When it comes to friendship, I am completely comfortable. But dating? If part of why you wanna date me, is my race-that isn't any different than not dating me because of my color.

Sociologically/historically, the appeal of the white girl has to do with subverting power from the Slave master. Black men have been hyper-sexualized in history. During slavery they were seen as savage, sexual animals.It was a way of de-humanizing them,to rank their behavior as carnal and primordial like beasts-so that whitey could in good conscience use them as beasts of burden.The stereotype of the "Black Buck" arose from the fear and racism of that time. So it has been handed down for generations, white men feeling emasculated in the presence of their black counterparts and that fear being propagated by a particular demographic of black men who view white girls as white diamonds. It is crazy, it is like hip-hop embraces the negative stereotype. All the songs about women being hoes, about "fucking a bitch, then fucking her friend" etc. The black man is still the uber-potent sex machine that can't be stopped. From the plantation to the hood-it blows my mind.

I have been thinking about all the stuff alot. There is a guy at work who seems like a perfectly laid back decent guy-and he wants to go catch a movie or something sometime-and I can't take him completely at face value because he is black. Which is crazy! He is talking about having a drink and I am struggling to separate that drink from some linear, ethno-sociological experience.

how about that for a random rant?