Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
peanutbutter crazy
the absurd
I have been in Memphis for a couple weeks now and I have had plenty of time to think...
Man...Vegas was absurd. I could tell you stories...hell, I could write books...but one incident I thinks best illustrates how just plain silly things were.
There was a moment where I found myself in a kitchen, alone, with a chef-who was the source of my ire, and I was coming unglued. That alone wouldn't have been of note, but he was eating a peanut butter sandwich. So I am yelling at this guy and he is smirking into his peanut butter.
It was one of those life affirming situations...where the point was as pointless as goo slapped between bread...and somewhere on the tail end of my rant it all came clear...
and as I slinked away and he finished his sandwich I said
"The only place I like to be humilated is in bed"
he laughed. and I blushed into my apron.
I have been in Memphis for a couple weeks now and I have had plenty of time to think...
Man...Vegas was absurd. I could tell you stories...hell, I could write books...but one incident I thinks best illustrates how just plain silly things were.
There was a moment where I found myself in a kitchen, alone, with a chef-who was the source of my ire, and I was coming unglued. That alone wouldn't have been of note, but he was eating a peanut butter sandwich. So I am yelling at this guy and he is smirking into his peanut butter.
It was one of those life affirming situations...where the point was as pointless as goo slapped between bread...and somewhere on the tail end of my rant it all came clear...
and as I slinked away and he finished his sandwich I said
"The only place I like to be humilated is in bed"
he laughed. and I blushed into my apron.
Friday, September 19, 2008
dixie land delight
so tonight I called my country boy, the boy I met in guatemala, the boy I moved here for...
I asked him if he would help me get my driver's license, to which he replied
" Are you drunk? Let's go now and just drive off a bridge in Arkansas".
and for a second, I wanted to.
I love it here.
I asked him if he would help me get my driver's license, to which he replied
" Are you drunk? Let's go now and just drive off a bridge in Arkansas".
and for a second, I wanted to.
I love it here.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Cum grano salis
There is so much you just can't understand about me...and not for the reasons you may think...
I am just a grain of salt. I am a part of something bigger.
We move around the country. We give our employers fake addresses. In most cities we live together in a single house or houses. We tell our friends fake reasons for why we are where we are...and we disappear into the fabric of wherever we are. We are your friends and co-workers...we laugh with you and sometimes touch you...but you'll never get too close...no matter how close you get.
I would leave work and go to work. Clandestine meetings, mapping...strategy...
and I would love to tell you...but the first rule of business is that there is no such thing...The biggest fear we have is that someone will write a book...so we all vow to keep an oral history...pass on anecdotes whenever we meet...
and I wish I could tell you how much I risked out there in the desert, how I broke protocol and almost lost it all...How you took me to the edge
and I got too close, no matter how close we weren't...
ultimately, who are you to me? No one. Just a shadow.
I collect shadows, I suppose
Mostly because I am one.
I am just a grain of salt. I am a part of something bigger.
We move around the country. We give our employers fake addresses. In most cities we live together in a single house or houses. We tell our friends fake reasons for why we are where we are...and we disappear into the fabric of wherever we are. We are your friends and co-workers...we laugh with you and sometimes touch you...but you'll never get too close...no matter how close you get.
I would leave work and go to work. Clandestine meetings, mapping...strategy...
and I would love to tell you...but the first rule of business is that there is no such thing...The biggest fear we have is that someone will write a book...so we all vow to keep an oral history...pass on anecdotes whenever we meet...
and I wish I could tell you how much I risked out there in the desert, how I broke protocol and almost lost it all...How you took me to the edge
and I got too close, no matter how close we weren't...
ultimately, who are you to me? No one. Just a shadow.
I collect shadows, I suppose
Mostly because I am one.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
For my grandfather
My grandfather
passed on
when I was
Eleven years old,
An insominac,I stayed awake
playing in nocturne,
Long enough that night,
that
I Heard the phone ring,
then heard my father's crying
As he shook,
he told me, in my stillness,
that everything would be
Alright
A week later
we burned his body,
then took it to the
Ocean
said that once he was
free to leave his body
he was freeto clear the land
And I stared
out the window
of my grandfather's big American truck
at someone's hands
holding the plain cardboard box
which contained his ashes
-My mother turned to meand whispered
"We don't amount to much
In the end"
Willie Nelson was playing
On the radio
as my grandmother cried
Even then,
Just a child,I understood that death
Was a multi-faceted
and unifying experience,
That it was not simply
death instead of dreaming,
Asleep or awake-
And when a woman friend of the family,
Pulled me aside
to tell me that my
"grandpa was in a better place,now"
Something in her voice,
I knew she didn't wholly
Believe it was true,
that she was scared too,
As she watched my father
pour his father
into the sea...Amen
-2:28pm sept 12th
passed on
when I was
Eleven years old,
An insominac,I stayed awake
playing in nocturne,
Long enough that night,
that
I Heard the phone ring,
then heard my father's crying
As he shook,
he told me, in my stillness,
that everything would be
Alright
A week later
we burned his body,
then took it to the
Ocean
said that once he was
free to leave his body
he was freeto clear the land
And I stared
out the window
of my grandfather's big American truck
at someone's hands
holding the plain cardboard box
which contained his ashes
-My mother turned to meand whispered
"We don't amount to much
In the end"
Willie Nelson was playing
On the radio
as my grandmother cried
Even then,
Just a child,I understood that death
Was a multi-faceted
and unifying experience,
That it was not simply
death instead of dreaming,
Asleep or awake-
And when a woman friend of the family,
Pulled me aside
to tell me that my
"grandpa was in a better place,now"
Something in her voice,
I knew she didn't wholly
Believe it was true,
that she was scared too,
As she watched my father
pour his father
into the sea...Amen
-2:28pm sept 12th
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Taking a bite of the apple
Finally. After years of rambling and fumbling through various countries,states,jobs...men...I am officially becoming official. I got the position I have wanted for the last decade...
Fuck Yeah!
That said, I have had an amazing go at this whole life thing. I haven't played by the rules or lived conventionally-but in the end, the road less travelled has led to the path my heart desires...a life with purpose.
And I believe that things happen for a reason. People, places have come to me, moved through me...and those experiences have been the best education I could ever have.
There is this whole idea about a glass ceiling...I think that has more to do with the limitations we place on ourselves. We draw boundaries based on class or civics...But what happens when step outside of that?
I
am formally educated, good with languages...but I have only flirted with jobs in my field since I left college. I have been a copy editor, done translations, sold leather jackets while in Italy...worked in kitchens,restaurants all over...I worked in a black cosmetics factory, screwing tops on jheri curl juice..I have done what I do in Vegas off and on for years...
Breaking up with the service industry is crazy to me. It has been there with me through it all. For 15 years, I have done everything from cut tomatoes to running a joint. There is a whole dialect that you learn working in restaurants...and a lifestyle that follows.
There are things that most people will just never experience. Restaurant folk have not only experienced it, they have written the book. I have been offered 3,000 in 100 dollar bills to walk out of my job and get into a limo headed for Tunica...I have watched a priest, collar and all, drunk late on a sunday afternoon, with his tongue down a girls throat. All I could muster was "atleast its a chick...and she's legal even" I have seen more cocaine than any human should being funnelled through bars and kitchens in amounts that dwarfed scenes in "Scarface". I have seen rookies sent out for "meatglue" and buckets of steam...I have gotten high in a walk-in cooler in the Haight...In a fit of rage, I booted cooks off the line and jumped in, in the middle of dinner service, with my owner in the building. I have dumped out my tip jar after a busy night behind the bar and found six hundred dollars in tips and about four hundred dollars worth of blow. My lasagna got me backstage for a broadway show...
And there have been life affirming moments. There was a kitchen in Italy that I worked in...The owner was sketchy on a good day and one night there was a buy-out by a group from Cutro. Cutro is a N'drangheta (La Mafia Calabrese) stronghold, and Chef left me in the kitchen alone with the flu and about 15 Bistecce Fiorentine on the grill...and they were to be cooked at different temps, they weren't all "al sangue".I was seeing double at one point. I had this vision of me stroking out right there, with all that heat and meat, my last moments spent covered in sweat and grease with an obscene amount of beef...as I began to float away, I could hear voices in the wine cellar, and the repetitive thud of a body hitting the wall...My boss was delivering some vigilante justice in the cellar...
That doesn't happen in cubicles.
And Vegas has been like war. I am an honest person, almost to a fault...and I haven't been able to be that person here. Also, living with the fear that I will be discovered, and that all of what I have accomplished here will be in vain.
I came to Vegas with secrets, and I will leave with an additional one...
Man. Life is kooky.
Fuck Yeah!
That said, I have had an amazing go at this whole life thing. I haven't played by the rules or lived conventionally-but in the end, the road less travelled has led to the path my heart desires...a life with purpose.
And I believe that things happen for a reason. People, places have come to me, moved through me...and those experiences have been the best education I could ever have.
There is this whole idea about a glass ceiling...I think that has more to do with the limitations we place on ourselves. We draw boundaries based on class or civics...But what happens when step outside of that?
I
am formally educated, good with languages...but I have only flirted with jobs in my field since I left college. I have been a copy editor, done translations, sold leather jackets while in Italy...worked in kitchens,restaurants all over...I worked in a black cosmetics factory, screwing tops on jheri curl juice..I have done what I do in Vegas off and on for years...
Breaking up with the service industry is crazy to me. It has been there with me through it all. For 15 years, I have done everything from cut tomatoes to running a joint. There is a whole dialect that you learn working in restaurants...and a lifestyle that follows.
There are things that most people will just never experience. Restaurant folk have not only experienced it, they have written the book. I have been offered 3,000 in 100 dollar bills to walk out of my job and get into a limo headed for Tunica...I have watched a priest, collar and all, drunk late on a sunday afternoon, with his tongue down a girls throat. All I could muster was "atleast its a chick...and she's legal even" I have seen more cocaine than any human should being funnelled through bars and kitchens in amounts that dwarfed scenes in "Scarface". I have seen rookies sent out for "meatglue" and buckets of steam...I have gotten high in a walk-in cooler in the Haight...In a fit of rage, I booted cooks off the line and jumped in, in the middle of dinner service, with my owner in the building. I have dumped out my tip jar after a busy night behind the bar and found six hundred dollars in tips and about four hundred dollars worth of blow. My lasagna got me backstage for a broadway show...
And there have been life affirming moments. There was a kitchen in Italy that I worked in...The owner was sketchy on a good day and one night there was a buy-out by a group from Cutro. Cutro is a N'drangheta (La Mafia Calabrese) stronghold, and Chef left me in the kitchen alone with the flu and about 15 Bistecce Fiorentine on the grill...and they were to be cooked at different temps, they weren't all "al sangue".I was seeing double at one point. I had this vision of me stroking out right there, with all that heat and meat, my last moments spent covered in sweat and grease with an obscene amount of beef...as I began to float away, I could hear voices in the wine cellar, and the repetitive thud of a body hitting the wall...My boss was delivering some vigilante justice in the cellar...
That doesn't happen in cubicles.
And Vegas has been like war. I am an honest person, almost to a fault...and I haven't been able to be that person here. Also, living with the fear that I will be discovered, and that all of what I have accomplished here will be in vain.
I came to Vegas with secrets, and I will leave with an additional one...
Man. Life is kooky.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Pane e Circus
Open letter with a built in retraction.
Imperfection is its own kind of perfection. Slipping on different skins, travelling through people and places. Making mistakes. Owning those mistakes. Taking risks results in motion, evolution, destruction and rebirth. Sisyphus forever pushes that boulder up the mountain accomplishing nothing...but prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to man-and forever changed the path of mankind. But if there is one thing sisyphus understood, it was motion. Motion trumps inertion. Inertion is decay.
I love guns but hate war.
I don't rationalize what I do. I just do. It isn't about some objective sense of morality or some particular qualified goal or reason. People come in many forms, I like to enjoy what they enjoy about themselves. Sometimes I just get a glimmer, sometimes a pound of flesh. Love, Lust, Hate...Id, Ego, Superego...Fight, Fuck and flee...the senses...maybe that is it. I take my life to be sensual. Fingers moving over skin. Wine rolling over the tongue...the warmth of a body breathing next to me...the space someone leaves when they are gone or when I disappear.
Identity without indemnity. Sensuality is sweetness and the raw....
I am a starry eyed cynic.
I am not the other woman. I am just another human. Super fucking human. I am not a dumb whore that just spreads her legs for any caveman.So fuck you. I am not a victim. It is symbiosis. Not all riddles are solved with logic. The body has its own riddles. I love men.their curves and angles. I love wit heavy with sarcasm. And I take what I want, leave when it is necessary and don't pretend to understand either. The sum of an individual is a measurement of their actions, admirable and deplorable. I love hard and have carried people with me for years...That deep sense of love outweighs bouts with ego and selfishness. The occasional mindfuck or midnight desperation...the weakness of two bodies in the dark...
Has it ever crossed your mind that what he takes from me, I take from him?
I don't judge you. Any of you. I have opinions, sure. I can't pretend to know what happens in your minds and beds. No one can fully understand the width of two people, even the two people involved. Monogamy, adultery, promises before god and chinese whispers...it is all relative...People suffer tradition and expectation because it is easier than thinking outside the box. Society isn't the archetype, but the shadow on the wall.
I find people who salt their food before tasting abhorrent. Okay, so I am a bit judgemental.
But you have to make a decision. Either agree that ignorance is bliss and construct your glasshouse...or choose to engage. Depression doesn't dictate your life, but fear. You accuse me of rationalizing my indiscretions, but what about you? You have taken one step forward since we met-moving from Lexington. You wallow in your own weakness. You hate everything he stands for because you are like bizarro him. He is cocky, ubermasculine and can fuck any woman he wants. He has charisma. People gravitate to him. He leads. Pane e Circus-that's him. You can cling to your platonic ideals, but ultimately-you lose. Not in his alphamale game, but in life. You are frozen in yourself. I believe that you think you are better because you aren't base. That you dominate from the neck up. Balance is key. Plato called for state sanctioned orgies, for man to engage in the basest behaviour possible-and after the body is sated, the spirit is free to find its pleasure.
I am working on it.
Life is big small important meaningless and mine.
So fuck you.
Imperfection is its own kind of perfection. Slipping on different skins, travelling through people and places. Making mistakes. Owning those mistakes. Taking risks results in motion, evolution, destruction and rebirth. Sisyphus forever pushes that boulder up the mountain accomplishing nothing...but prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to man-and forever changed the path of mankind. But if there is one thing sisyphus understood, it was motion. Motion trumps inertion. Inertion is decay.
I love guns but hate war.
I don't rationalize what I do. I just do. It isn't about some objective sense of morality or some particular qualified goal or reason. People come in many forms, I like to enjoy what they enjoy about themselves. Sometimes I just get a glimmer, sometimes a pound of flesh. Love, Lust, Hate...Id, Ego, Superego...Fight, Fuck and flee...the senses...maybe that is it. I take my life to be sensual. Fingers moving over skin. Wine rolling over the tongue...the warmth of a body breathing next to me...the space someone leaves when they are gone or when I disappear.
Identity without indemnity. Sensuality is sweetness and the raw....
I am a starry eyed cynic.
I am not the other woman. I am just another human. Super fucking human. I am not a dumb whore that just spreads her legs for any caveman.So fuck you. I am not a victim. It is symbiosis. Not all riddles are solved with logic. The body has its own riddles. I love men.their curves and angles. I love wit heavy with sarcasm. And I take what I want, leave when it is necessary and don't pretend to understand either. The sum of an individual is a measurement of their actions, admirable and deplorable. I love hard and have carried people with me for years...That deep sense of love outweighs bouts with ego and selfishness. The occasional mindfuck or midnight desperation...the weakness of two bodies in the dark...
Has it ever crossed your mind that what he takes from me, I take from him?
I don't judge you. Any of you. I have opinions, sure. I can't pretend to know what happens in your minds and beds. No one can fully understand the width of two people, even the two people involved. Monogamy, adultery, promises before god and chinese whispers...it is all relative...People suffer tradition and expectation because it is easier than thinking outside the box. Society isn't the archetype, but the shadow on the wall.
I find people who salt their food before tasting abhorrent. Okay, so I am a bit judgemental.
But you have to make a decision. Either agree that ignorance is bliss and construct your glasshouse...or choose to engage. Depression doesn't dictate your life, but fear. You accuse me of rationalizing my indiscretions, but what about you? You have taken one step forward since we met-moving from Lexington. You wallow in your own weakness. You hate everything he stands for because you are like bizarro him. He is cocky, ubermasculine and can fuck any woman he wants. He has charisma. People gravitate to him. He leads. Pane e Circus-that's him. You can cling to your platonic ideals, but ultimately-you lose. Not in his alphamale game, but in life. You are frozen in yourself. I believe that you think you are better because you aren't base. That you dominate from the neck up. Balance is key. Plato called for state sanctioned orgies, for man to engage in the basest behaviour possible-and after the body is sated, the spirit is free to find its pleasure.
I am working on it.
Life is big small important meaningless and mine.
So fuck you.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I am sewing my scarlet letter
I am not sure at what point a healthy attitude about sex, sex divorced from morality, is healthy-and at what point it becomes sociopathic...
I separate sex and love, which is something that I think comes, in part, from a sex positive upbringing and in part, from having had relationships fail. Some of the most disconnected sex I have had is at the end of a relationship, when I know my heart has left the building but somehow my vagina still ended up leaving my pants.
And then there is various tiers of intimacy... I think sex is best if you are completely dedicated to the person or if there isn't a drip of dedication. The physical intensity that comes with love is only rivaled by the intensity that comes from sex with someone you couldn't care less about. A co-worker you don't like but have chemistry with for instance.But sex with a partner where both people aren't on the same page emotionally, is horrible. There is a desperation that is almost palpable.
Adultery is another issue I have been struggling with, since I had a brief dalliance with an adulterer. I truly believe that monogamy is a social construct...it is a choice, a choice tempered by fear and morality-but it isn't natural.I believe that a part of love is a sense of ownership of the other person, and that ownership also fuels monogamy...there is a sense that if you step outside your relationship it means less, or an angry partner may leave you. As a female I find the whole thing curious.
But sex, as a natural physical expression, is just that. It is more natural for us to fuck than to talk. Before there was spoken language there was the physical. Touch is the purest form of expression. But society has redefined touch and relationships...as a way to control people and populations...what we recognize as marriage is a pretty modern construct.
It is impossible to truly understand what happens in other peoples' homes and marital beds. When people stray they are seeking out something...acceptance, freedom, lust, attention...Maybe they are agressing some masculine need for dominance or some feminine need to be the center of attention. A married man that has a one night stand (assuming he uses protection) just to get his rocks off is less of an offender, in my mind, than a married man/woman who has an emotional affair.
I separate sex and love, which is something that I think comes, in part, from a sex positive upbringing and in part, from having had relationships fail. Some of the most disconnected sex I have had is at the end of a relationship, when I know my heart has left the building but somehow my vagina still ended up leaving my pants.
And then there is various tiers of intimacy... I think sex is best if you are completely dedicated to the person or if there isn't a drip of dedication. The physical intensity that comes with love is only rivaled by the intensity that comes from sex with someone you couldn't care less about. A co-worker you don't like but have chemistry with for instance.But sex with a partner where both people aren't on the same page emotionally, is horrible. There is a desperation that is almost palpable.
Adultery is another issue I have been struggling with, since I had a brief dalliance with an adulterer. I truly believe that monogamy is a social construct...it is a choice, a choice tempered by fear and morality-but it isn't natural.I believe that a part of love is a sense of ownership of the other person, and that ownership also fuels monogamy...there is a sense that if you step outside your relationship it means less, or an angry partner may leave you. As a female I find the whole thing curious.
But sex, as a natural physical expression, is just that. It is more natural for us to fuck than to talk. Before there was spoken language there was the physical. Touch is the purest form of expression. But society has redefined touch and relationships...as a way to control people and populations...what we recognize as marriage is a pretty modern construct.
It is impossible to truly understand what happens in other peoples' homes and marital beds. When people stray they are seeking out something...acceptance, freedom, lust, attention...Maybe they are agressing some masculine need for dominance or some feminine need to be the center of attention. A married man that has a one night stand (assuming he uses protection) just to get his rocks off is less of an offender, in my mind, than a married man/woman who has an emotional affair.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The latest
This is my apathetic roommate and the latest pic of moi! My pic was taken before going to see an indie rock show...The pic of my roommie, well it could have been taken at any time, he is doing what he does best!Bring it...
Revolution et al...
So what is going to happen? What do you think we need?
This election his kept me glued to MSNBC and this is is such a weird time. I feel like we are moving forward because we are moving backwards...
The war, the economy, the gas crisis, Iran and even the escalation in Lebanon-These were front pages news in 1975.Though we were pulling out of Vietnam, and I see no end to Iraq...
If history repeats itself,the 70s were followed by the conservative, narcisistic 80s...but we have been living with that conservatism since 9/11 and we never let go of that narcisism.
we have the juxtaposition of a the possibility of a black president and the possibility of women losing their right to choose. Which however you feel about abortion, is a step backward. Roe v. Wade is about our right to govern our own lives.
You have the resurgence of the union movement, as unions have finally understood that our economy is no longer based on heavy industry but the service industry.So,while the UAW and Teamsters wane, SEIU AFSCME, and UNITE-HERE gain momentum.
But we also have the decline in education,a movement to teach intelligent design or creation in lieu of evolution. And the legalization of Gay marriage/civil unions.
It seems, depending on class or location, we are either on the brink of revolution or fascism!
I am confused. I don't know what is next. If you follow history, or have read up on your Marx- change happens in the extremes, then the pendulum swings...it is the bougeoisie that sets it all in motion-which are Obama's demographic, ironically.
The conservative christian movement blows my mind. Attacking McCain, who is served this country, was a pow, and is a total patriot-is unseemingly. Plus,true christians aren't hateful and true republicans don't want the government having its hands in every aspect of their lives. It doesn't make sense. Then you have the real nut jobs who blow up abortion clinics or protest at the funerals of fallen soldiers, because we are war because god hates the gays. In Tennessee that was happening alot. Oh, and crusty old southern guys trying to make vibrators contraband-citing the downfall of the family and promiscuity-which I am sure puts us right on par with radical islam-nice work guys!
so? any thoughts?
So what is going to happen? What do you think we need?
This election his kept me glued to MSNBC and this is is such a weird time. I feel like we are moving forward because we are moving backwards...
The war, the economy, the gas crisis, Iran and even the escalation in Lebanon-These were front pages news in 1975.Though we were pulling out of Vietnam, and I see no end to Iraq...
If history repeats itself,the 70s were followed by the conservative, narcisistic 80s...but we have been living with that conservatism since 9/11 and we never let go of that narcisism.
we have the juxtaposition of a the possibility of a black president and the possibility of women losing their right to choose. Which however you feel about abortion, is a step backward. Roe v. Wade is about our right to govern our own lives.
You have the resurgence of the union movement, as unions have finally understood that our economy is no longer based on heavy industry but the service industry.So,while the UAW and Teamsters wane, SEIU AFSCME, and UNITE-HERE gain momentum.
But we also have the decline in education,a movement to teach intelligent design or creation in lieu of evolution. And the legalization of Gay marriage/civil unions.
It seems, depending on class or location, we are either on the brink of revolution or fascism!
I am confused. I don't know what is next. If you follow history, or have read up on your Marx- change happens in the extremes, then the pendulum swings...it is the bougeoisie that sets it all in motion-which are Obama's demographic, ironically.
The conservative christian movement blows my mind. Attacking McCain, who is served this country, was a pow, and is a total patriot-is unseemingly. Plus,true christians aren't hateful and true republicans don't want the government having its hands in every aspect of their lives. It doesn't make sense. Then you have the real nut jobs who blow up abortion clinics or protest at the funerals of fallen soldiers, because we are war because god hates the gays. In Tennessee that was happening alot. Oh, and crusty old southern guys trying to make vibrators contraband-citing the downfall of the family and promiscuity-which I am sure puts us right on par with radical islam-nice work guys!
so? any thoughts?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Follow my lead
Terminal Uniqueness,
As if fog, it rolls in
Slowly
And you try
Living
In the moment
just passing,seeping through
your secrets, places
winter-
she has left you
shivering,threadbare
unravelling the desert
Here, with me
In my bed, searching
For answers
which sometimes come
in cobblestones, crumbling
faded patinas
and other times
the answers come
long before the question
leaving you,
quietly
in that silence
As you navigate
your seasons, echoes
salvage
what remains
soft, if intangible
like the desert
Mine, for a moment
you were
obtuse, naked
fractured
piece by piece
moving inside me
and I
lay there watching
as you moved
memorizing, thinking
that you
THIS
was something I wanted
to protect
because we forget
Our skin
sometimes
that it isn't armor
but essence-
delicate
It breathes
comes to life as we do
And we recognize each other
Through our fingertips
exploring,
passing over
jagged edges,
in favor of places still
soft,if intangible
your eyes now
just broken windows
that let strangers slip in
and live
with her ghost
casting a shadow bigger
Than two people
can make in the dark
but I tried
Truly.
"Sorry"
you said
you couldn't
but you did-
living in the moment
just long enough
to leave me
wanting
a future-
but hey, I'm on your side
5/8/08 8:49 pm-Vegas
As if fog, it rolls in
Slowly
And you try
Living
In the moment
just passing,seeping through
your secrets, places
winter-
she has left you
shivering,threadbare
unravelling the desert
Here, with me
In my bed, searching
For answers
which sometimes come
in cobblestones, crumbling
faded patinas
and other times
the answers come
long before the question
leaving you,
quietly
in that silence
As you navigate
your seasons, echoes
salvage
what remains
soft, if intangible
like the desert
Mine, for a moment
you were
obtuse, naked
fractured
piece by piece
moving inside me
and I
lay there watching
as you moved
memorizing, thinking
that you
THIS
was something I wanted
to protect
because we forget
Our skin
sometimes
that it isn't armor
but essence-
delicate
It breathes
comes to life as we do
And we recognize each other
Through our fingertips
exploring,
passing over
jagged edges,
in favor of places still
soft,if intangible
your eyes now
just broken windows
that let strangers slip in
and live
with her ghost
casting a shadow bigger
Than two people
can make in the dark
but I tried
Truly.
"Sorry"
you said
you couldn't
but you did-
living in the moment
just long enough
to leave me
wanting
a future-
but hey, I'm on your side
5/8/08 8:49 pm-Vegas
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
well...
Have you ever looked down into your shopping cart and realized you have nothing that qualifies as a food group?
Friday, after a long shift at the oyster bar, I went to market. I had pretzles, wine and tabloids...everything necessary for my friday night as a recluse...but no real food...I grabbed some chicken just for show.
Since transitioning from student to full-time server to post-grad to full-time server again, I feel like my quality of life has decreased somewhat. Part of it is age, but after dealing with people and all of their passive agressive bs that they agress at me over a plate of substandard casino grub-I just have no patience left over for a personal life.
oh well...
Friday, after a long shift at the oyster bar, I went to market. I had pretzles, wine and tabloids...everything necessary for my friday night as a recluse...but no real food...I grabbed some chicken just for show.
Since transitioning from student to full-time server to post-grad to full-time server again, I feel like my quality of life has decreased somewhat. Part of it is age, but after dealing with people and all of their passive agressive bs that they agress at me over a plate of substandard casino grub-I just have no patience left over for a personal life.
oh well...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
missing the letter after "o"
so here i am. back in TN, to clear my head, in theory.
on one hand, it has made things easier. Those who I love are healthy and thriving. I got to snuggle and run around the backyard with my dogs...Terry is doing wonderful...Mikey made me an amazing meal...I relaxed,I mean really relaxed for the first time in a longtime.on the other hand...it has made things more difficult.Terry wants to reconcile and we have had an amazing few days. He is clean and back to being who he was when we met.but there are still somethings missing. Do I choose friendship over passion? Do I choose to salvage a sexless union with Terry overthe possibility of sex filled one somewhere down the line?Do I let go of something secure because I am feeling insecure?Could I be with someone who is supportive but could never really understand what moves me?Are my feelings motivated by love or by fear?Are all feelings motivated by fear or love?
I just don't know.I think I needed a hug. I came here. I hugged.
Tomorrow night i will be back in Vegas and back to not having what I want and being too frustrated to get it.Vegas has been so difficult. It defies all my expectations. I expected waitresses to be my community and they arent. I expected to get on my feet quickly and I havent. I get so negative sometimes but at the same time I feel like my time in Vegas is crucial. I will learn,grow,learn how to be better to myself.
or atleast that is the objective.
on one hand, it has made things easier. Those who I love are healthy and thriving. I got to snuggle and run around the backyard with my dogs...Terry is doing wonderful...Mikey made me an amazing meal...I relaxed,I mean really relaxed for the first time in a longtime.on the other hand...it has made things more difficult.Terry wants to reconcile and we have had an amazing few days. He is clean and back to being who he was when we met.but there are still somethings missing. Do I choose friendship over passion? Do I choose to salvage a sexless union with Terry overthe possibility of sex filled one somewhere down the line?Do I let go of something secure because I am feeling insecure?Could I be with someone who is supportive but could never really understand what moves me?Are my feelings motivated by love or by fear?Are all feelings motivated by fear or love?
I just don't know.I think I needed a hug. I came here. I hugged.
Tomorrow night i will be back in Vegas and back to not having what I want and being too frustrated to get it.Vegas has been so difficult. It defies all my expectations. I expected waitresses to be my community and they arent. I expected to get on my feet quickly and I havent. I get so negative sometimes but at the same time I feel like my time in Vegas is crucial. I will learn,grow,learn how to be better to myself.
or atleast that is the objective.
Monday, August 13, 2007
A clown by any other name...
Dear Circus Freak,
"Many and most of the images and media that FOX and News corp creates are destructive to our society, many images provoke and glorify Violence and unhealthy sexual relations. This is eating away at the cohesion of our families, or society, and our way of life."
I have problems with this statement. This could be a quote taken from some Fox news talking head in reference to the so-called "liberal" media. It is also a statement that is incredibly dangerous because your words mirror the words used by Right Wing moralist thugs that want to limit freedom of speech. Freedom of speech is a tenet and expression of a healthy democracy. That means Bill O' Reilly and Jerry Lewis are equals. What matters isn't what they say but the weight we give their words.
The dissolution of the family began long before we had TVs in our homes and computers on our laps. In fact,information and access to information is essential to us being good citizens. For all the whining you hear about the Media, what you are hearing are moans in disgust about the "mainstream" media. Well, there are other outlets for people to get information. In fact, the internet has INCREASED the availability of information to the people. Did you know the internet is used by rescue organizations and human rights groups?The Internet allows previously muted people a voice. It just requires an educated user and so begins the slippery slope.
I am not going to bore you with a discourse on the dumbing down of America. Hell, living in Berkley, I am sure you are constantly bombarded with all kinds of rhetoric. Sure, it would be wonderful if mainstream media outlets gave joe average instant access to truth. But the truth is that we as a people have become lazy and complacent. The draining of funding for public schools has taken the fundamental out of fundamental education. Schools should be a place where thinking is encouraged and the seeds which lead to self cultivation are born.
If you are going to make a statement by deleting myspace-do it. You are free to do so. That doesn't somehow make your hands clean or really prove anything. Friendster and Facebook have all been bought out and are linked to big corporate entities.
While you are at it. Give up your dreams about making film. Even indie companies are linked to larger media houses.
Actually, while we are on the subject, why don't you start making your own clothes and farming your own food.
Come on, babe. I get that even small acts of activism are important. I just found the your email factually inaccurate and irrational.
"People's current diet of sex and violence are at such high levels that they cannot think clearly or make as rational decisions."
This statement is inflammatory and flawed.
You hate TV. I get it,but you are viewing TV as the cause of all the worlds' problems, and not a symptom.You could just as easily argue that women entering the workplace has aided in the destruction of society. You could say that work has shaved down the mothers role as caregiver and stabilizing unit in the home and, in turn, creating a vacuum where TV becomes a surrogate. That would be more supported by facts than what you said.
I don't want you to take this as an assault on you personally. I am more concerned with you, as an educated knowledge seeker, to do just that.
Read.Check your facts. Do you know the history of the "Wall Street Journal"? It was founded by Conservatives Google Bernard Kilgore. Rupert Murdoch isn't going to cause any shake-ups with his buy-out. It has always been a paper of the rich for the rich.
Okay. This was some fun banter. I hope you are well and thinking as freely as you speak(: I look forward to your response.
I was quite surprised by some of your statements. If the clown thing doesn't work out, you could always get a job at Fox news. You got the rhetoric down pat.
-MG
"Many and most of the images and media that FOX and News corp creates are destructive to our society, many images provoke and glorify Violence and unhealthy sexual relations. This is eating away at the cohesion of our families, or society, and our way of life."
I have problems with this statement. This could be a quote taken from some Fox news talking head in reference to the so-called "liberal" media. It is also a statement that is incredibly dangerous because your words mirror the words used by Right Wing moralist thugs that want to limit freedom of speech. Freedom of speech is a tenet and expression of a healthy democracy. That means Bill O' Reilly and Jerry Lewis are equals. What matters isn't what they say but the weight we give their words.
The dissolution of the family began long before we had TVs in our homes and computers on our laps. In fact,information and access to information is essential to us being good citizens. For all the whining you hear about the Media, what you are hearing are moans in disgust about the "mainstream" media. Well, there are other outlets for people to get information. In fact, the internet has INCREASED the availability of information to the people. Did you know the internet is used by rescue organizations and human rights groups?The Internet allows previously muted people a voice. It just requires an educated user and so begins the slippery slope.
I am not going to bore you with a discourse on the dumbing down of America. Hell, living in Berkley, I am sure you are constantly bombarded with all kinds of rhetoric. Sure, it would be wonderful if mainstream media outlets gave joe average instant access to truth. But the truth is that we as a people have become lazy and complacent. The draining of funding for public schools has taken the fundamental out of fundamental education. Schools should be a place where thinking is encouraged and the seeds which lead to self cultivation are born.
If you are going to make a statement by deleting myspace-do it. You are free to do so. That doesn't somehow make your hands clean or really prove anything. Friendster and Facebook have all been bought out and are linked to big corporate entities.
While you are at it. Give up your dreams about making film. Even indie companies are linked to larger media houses.
Actually, while we are on the subject, why don't you start making your own clothes and farming your own food.
Come on, babe. I get that even small acts of activism are important. I just found the your email factually inaccurate and irrational.
"People's current diet of sex and violence are at such high levels that they cannot think clearly or make as rational decisions."
This statement is inflammatory and flawed.
You hate TV. I get it,but you are viewing TV as the cause of all the worlds' problems, and not a symptom.You could just as easily argue that women entering the workplace has aided in the destruction of society. You could say that work has shaved down the mothers role as caregiver and stabilizing unit in the home and, in turn, creating a vacuum where TV becomes a surrogate. That would be more supported by facts than what you said.
I don't want you to take this as an assault on you personally. I am more concerned with you, as an educated knowledge seeker, to do just that.
Read.Check your facts. Do you know the history of the "Wall Street Journal"? It was founded by Conservatives Google Bernard Kilgore. Rupert Murdoch isn't going to cause any shake-ups with his buy-out. It has always been a paper of the rich for the rich.
Okay. This was some fun banter. I hope you are well and thinking as freely as you speak(: I look forward to your response.
I was quite surprised by some of your statements. If the clown thing doesn't work out, you could always get a job at Fox news. You got the rhetoric down pat.
-MG
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Am I racist or just white?
I think the first time I ever recognized race on any level was when I was about seven. I was in ballet/tap with an Indian Girl. She looked and spoke differently-and her mom didn't dress like my mom.
There was no value judgement involved, if anything there was curiosity.
That was pretty much it until junior high. Well, not entirely. There was this girl who would make fun of me by calling me "nigger lips" because I have a full pucker-but she was such trash, not much of what she said registered.
In Junior High, I was introduced to racial tension. My school 40% white, 40% Latino and a smattering of various Asian populations and a couple of black kids. And it was the first time I felt that my race affected my ability to move in certain social situations.
Cholas hated me and used a special form of psychological warfare that kept me in fear until I went to college. Even now, the word "Gringa" makes me want to put on big rings and get ready to buck.
Then I moved to San Francisco, and I developed a strong distaste for the L-Taraval ladies. I lived in a predominately Asian neighborhood and after crossing 19th avenue, I would be one of the token Caucasians on the train. There was some cultural stuff happening that I just wasn't able to understand. These older Asian women would have pungent pink plastic bags filled with vegetables and fish guts. They would push past me or if i didn't give up my seat, they would set their groceries on my lap. Twittering in Cantonese and often launching their sputum without care. I tried to keep my mind open, tried to talk myself into being non-judgemental but it didn't work. I hated them. I hated their groceries. I hated being an unwelcome guest in their world.
Modesto, 15 years ago, didn't really have a large black population.
So, I had limited contact with Black folk until I moved to Memphis. It was strange. The South just set me back. At first, I blamed whitey for the problems with race relations in the South. I am a middle-class liberal. We are hard wired to blame whitey for everything. After about a year, I realized it wasn't so simple. Both whites and blacks had internalized anger and poverty bred ignorance. It takes two to tango and in Memphis, both sides seem to continue the hate.
And there are Black men.
I have issues with Black men. When it comes to friendship, I am completely comfortable. But dating? If part of why you wanna date me, is my race-that isn't any different than not dating me because of my color.
Sociologically/historically, the appeal of the white girl has to do with subverting power from the Slave master. Black men have been hyper-sexualized in history. During slavery they were seen as savage, sexual animals.It was a way of de-humanizing them,to rank their behavior as carnal and primordial like beasts-so that whitey could in good conscience use them as beasts of burden.The stereotype of the "Black Buck" arose from the fear and racism of that time. So it has been handed down for generations, white men feeling emasculated in the presence of their black counterparts and that fear being propagated by a particular demographic of black men who view white girls as white diamonds. It is crazy, it is like hip-hop embraces the negative stereotype. All the songs about women being hoes, about "fucking a bitch, then fucking her friend" etc. The black man is still the uber-potent sex machine that can't be stopped. From the plantation to the hood-it blows my mind.
I have been thinking about all the stuff alot. There is a guy at work who seems like a perfectly laid back decent guy-and he wants to go catch a movie or something sometime-and I can't take him completely at face value because he is black. Which is crazy! He is talking about having a drink and I am struggling to separate that drink from some linear, ethno-sociological experience.
how about that for a random rant?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
and fuck you some more-with feeling
The emails from last night weren't exactly well
thought out or kind and I apologize. I went out and
had drinks with the girls to curse men and the gods
and whoever else would listen. that said-
I just don't get it.
I don't think I ever will.
I am not playing games with you.I just don't
understand what your problem with me is. I feel close
and connected to you and somehow that is a bad
thing.Reaching out is "coming at you aggressively".
I think we had sex because there are still feelings
and not just mine. I think you still care for me and
are uncomfortable with that for whatever reason. I
think of you came to Vegas it would happen again. I
look back on the times we have seen each other since
we split and it has always been in broad daylight, in
public. Last summer I wanted you to come over to
Christie's for dinner and you declined in favor of
coffee in public. I think you are scared of me Mr.
Murphy,or scared of how I make you feel.
When we saw each other in Indianapolis we practically
finished each others sentences but you found the
exchange awkward. I thought it was comfortable and
exciting.I thought we really clicked.In fact it was
when I got back from Indianapolis that I told my
friends about you for the first time-loving you,
losing you-the whole saga. I said that I thought you
were still scared of me after all this time and that
was a signal of something deeper- in a really twisted
way. Oh, and before I left for Vegas I knew that we
would end up in bed.Some things feel over and some
things are just forced to end.I think we never really
ended, it just wasn't the time for us.
When we both were in Vegas and out with Lynn...it
seemed perfect.Everything was in place...there was us
being us and vibing off each other.
It felt totally natural.When we talk it feels
good.Why is that bad? Why won't you open up?
I love you. so what?
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